There's No Hope With Dope

Tonight's very special episode is one the whole family should watch together. In this episode, which aired November 30, 1991, Bayside has been selected to be the location for an anti-drug commercial. The ad will feature some "real" kids from the school (guess who) alongside A-list actor Johnny Dakota. Right away everyone is smiting with Johnny, especially Kelly, who forms a non-sexual bond with him, (come on Saved by the Bell mix it up, can't anyone ever been interested in Lisa?). Johnny also bonds with Zack by giving him his weird purple jacket, because he's Johnny Dakota, he must have a hundred of those jackets.

Johnny hosts pow-wows where the gang (and some random biker chick who really puts a bummer on the day, see below) talk about their non existent drug experiences. Everything is going well until the (underage) kids get invited to one of Johnny's sleazy industry parties where he smokes pot and then pressures Kelly to do the same. Also, in the alternate universe known as Hollywood, Screech is Johnny's stunt double and no one likes Slater.

The next day Johnny shows up as if nothing had happened, but Zack, who been sucking Johnny's dick every since he walked through the front doors, isn't having it. He throws Johnny's jacket back in his face and gets everyone to stand up to him and dirty pot mouth. So, Johnny quits, he doesn't need this school!

The kids explain what happen to Mr. B, who immediately trusts them, and calls in a favor. Oh yeah, his best bud just so happens to own mother-fucking NBC! So they get to do the commercial and everyone is happy :) Except for that heavy metal chick whose brother in still in a wheelchair, but whatever.

Best Quote:
Zack: "In one word, would I do dope...nope."
Uh, I just got chills.

What The F*** Moment:
Rhonda: "You wanna know what's dumb? My brother used drugs to get high and drive to the beach. Now I have to drive him. He's in a wheelchair."

Whoa. That is intense.

I Love The 90s:
These are the actors Lisa and Jessie boned at the party...
Stone Sutherland = Keifer Sutherland
Luke Diamond = Lou Diamond Phillips

Did You Notice?:
Ox, the lovable jock, appears in this episode as a heavy metal biker dude named Scud who smokes pot in the bathroom. He never appears as this character again, but appears in several more episodes as Ox.

Screech's Birthday

An absolute gem, this episode premiered on November 14, 1992 during season 4. It was originally shot to air during season 1, but because no one would notice the miraculous age difference, they pushed it back three years.

The gang has forgotten Screech's birthday and can't stand to see him horribly depressed and about to kill himself so they plan a post birthday bash. So where do they decide to hold this little get together? Mr. Belding's office of course! Not the Max which they have no problem leaving school to go to.

The only way to pull this off is to de-throne the evil hall monitor Neil. This kid take his jobs super seriously and is not to be messed with. So, in order to kill two birds with one nerd the gang finds a way to make Screech hall-monitor, getting rid of Neil and making Screech's party possible.

With Screech as hall monitor the gang thinks they can walk the halls freely, but little do they know, Screech takes his new responsibility seriously, hell its not like he has to go to class anymore. Screech holds a grudge and gets off on his power, even at one point imagining himself as a teenage robocop..with a laser.

The kids get Belding out of his office with a lame "help me Mr. B I'm lost at the mall" gimmick, but still have to get past Screech. Each of them gets sent to detention and are running out of time for the party. By the time Screech realizes all of this hall monitor nominating stuff was for a party, he forgives them, only leaving time for a minute long celebration in Mr. B's office. Pictures are flipped, shades a turned, balloons come out of file cabinets...its beautiful.

Best Quote:
Zack: "You can tell me, what do you really think of me?"
Hall Monitor Neil: "You're a creep"
Honesty is the best policy, remember that kids!

What The F*** Moment:
1. Screech has a fully functional robot, who they let come to school?
2. Mr. Dewey does Tai Kwon Do?

Unsung Hero: Kevin the Robot

Ten Reasons Why I Love Kevin, Screech's Robot:

10. He drinks Root Beer
9. He's good at magic
8. He monitors the halls
7. He's witty
6. He can sneeze
5. He needs glasses
4. He can burp
3. He's got a mean left hook...just ask Screech
2. He never forgets Screech's birthday

...and number one...
1. He's a fucking talking ROBOT!

The Friendship Buisness

In this episode which premiered November 4, 1989 we find the crew in some sort of "learn how to start a business" class that is, of course, an essential part of their high school core curriculum. Each group of students gets $100 (of tax payer money) to start a business with an original idea. The gang draws a blank on what to sell until the extra curricular machine known as Lisa Turtle gives everyone Friendship Bracelets that she made in, you guessed it, the Fashion Club. Zack decides the bracelets are his ticket to GLORY, and they begin to sell like, you guessed it, colored yarn?

Zack quickly become obsessed with the mediocre success of the Friendship Bracelet industry and starts forcing Lisa and imaginary friends in the Fashion Club into slavery. But what's worse than that is he has the nerve to appoint himself president...so everyone quits, expect for Screech...Zack's bitch and Lisa.

Slater, Kelly, and Jessie branch out on their own and come up with an understated and original idea...Buddy Bands, aka Friendship Bracelets for you forehead. This leads to a spectacular home made video featuring some Academy Award winning acting from AC. Eventually, Lisa and Screech realize Zack is using them and also quit, leaving Zack up shit creek without a Buddy...Band.

In a last ditch effort to fuck over every friend he's ever had, Zack gives a new hip Buddy Band to Mr. Belding, students see this, and ask for refunds. Because everyone knows, Mr. Belding was the only thing uncool about Buddy Bands. Jessie should have known better than to make any kind of refund an option if you ask me, but eh.

At this point, both teams products are a bust, aka, a failing grade. No one wants Jessie to have a brain aneurysm, so they join forces and produce Love Cuffs, two Friendship Bracelets connected by a Buddy Band. Mr. Tuttle sees how hard everyone worked to discover the true meaning of friendship (slavery, dictatorship, abandonment) and gives everyone an A. Phew, that was a close one.

Eww, Think About It:
Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."

Best Quote:
Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."
and
Max: "How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?" Mmm, delicious.

Hmmm, I Wonder...:
When Slater, Kelly, and Jessie leave to form Buddy Bands, Lisa,(and I'm guessing the rest of the Fashion Club) is still with Zack making Friendship Bracelets. So who made all those Buddy Bands? Hmmm, I wonder.

What The Hell Is Going On Here?

The strangest picture ever.

Rockumentary

The Beatles were once quoted saying that no other band influenced their careers more than The Zack Attack. True story. In this classic episode we find the gang, (minus Jessie who I guess wasn't any one's friend forever), practicing as their band The Zack Attack. We follow them through their tumultuous career, their huge success, and inevitable demise. Casey Kasem narrates a sort of Behind the Music before Behind the Music breakdown of the group's career. I don't know why Casey Kasem was in two episodes of Saved by the Bell during his career nor do I care, I picture his voice would greet me in hell, but I digress.

One fateful day, a record exec named Brian Fate (Oh Saved by the Bell you slay me!)is jogging, in an awesome jogging suit, and hears the band and decides he must have them. They play small, dimly lit coffee shops, get their record played on the radio, and boom their playing Madison Square Garden, naturally rifts develop.

Mindy, a publicist, is hired to be the ice cold face of the band, and seduces 16 year old Zack. She eventually turns Zack against his friends, writes wretched songs, forces the band to play them, and then laughs when they want to write a song. She's a white Yoko Ono, because if Mindy was Asian, that would be too obvious.

The band eventually calls is quits and Zack goes solo turning into a weird morph Madonna/Elton John/Cher/ Super Gay combination. Lisa is an American Gladiator, Kelly's a nun who will die a virgin, Screech a nerdy Buddha, and Slater a shitty race car driver who crashes and forces them all back together because, as we all know, bands may come and go, but friends are forever.

The last shot of the episode is a cut to Zack asleep and we find out it was all a dream...or was it.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT: The whole episode really, but the fact that Zack can have such a vivid dream while taking a nap on top of a crate is crazy.

DID YOU NOTICE?: The room where the Grammy after party is taking place was Johnny Dakota's hotel room in the episode There's No Hope With Dope.

TOP FIVE ZACK ATTACK SONGS:
1. How Am I Suppose To Live Without You (Ah, nothing like that Michael Bolton. The man truly has a beautiful voice.)
2. Friends Forever
3. Did We Ever Have A Chance
4. Kelly, Slater, and Screech's Song About School
5. Make My Day (They play this song in the episode The Last Dance, its so bad its good, and Zack tells Kelly he wrote it for her, which is odd.)

PS: How did the get Don Henley to dub over Zack's awesome lip syncing skills?

Lisa's Boob

Zack goes for it...

Fake IDs

This episode premiered October 19, 1991. Here we find the gang all enrolled in the same photography class taught by Mr. Belding? Because otherwise there would be no logical place for him in the episode. Zack and Kelly have been broken up for two weeks so Zack is over her and Kelly and Jeff are in a deeply committed relationship.

One day, at the Max, a beautiful college girl (we know she's in college because she's wearing a sweatshirt with USC on it)walks in and she and Zack strike up a conversation. Zack lies about his age and the fact that he also goes to USC, I guess Zack just enjoys hanging out around high schools. They set a date, at an over 18 club. Thank God they learned how to make Fake IDs in photography class! Now they can dance...sober.

Zack, Slater, and Screech make their, no doubt, fool proof Fake IDs, and head to the "The Attic" to meet up with Zack's hot co-ed. While there, they see Kelly's new boyfriend Jeff (aka, I sleep with high school girls) kissing another girl. They don't know what to do so they just leave and because Zack isn't bitter about Kelly ripping out his chest and spitting on his heart he decides not to tell her.

The next day Jessie and Lisa know something is up with the guys because the look exhausted and smell like booze and hooker. Screech spills the beans about the Fake IDs (big surprise) and the girls want some too. Zack decides to tell Kelly about Jeff, but she freaks out and writes it off as jealousy.

While Screech is sneakily making Jessie and Lisa's IDs in the five minutes between classes, Kelly confronts him about Jeff and insists she see for herself, boom, ID for Kelly...free of charge.

The gang, minus Kelly, make their way to the club, to catch Jeff in the act. Jessie gets jealous, we find out AC stands for absolutely charming, Zack is stood up, Lisa is a slut and lets Zack touch her boob...really, and Screech gets molested by a woman named Reggie. Kelly shows up eventually and sees Jeff with her own eyes. Yeah, and she's sorry she ever fell for a dishonest jerk like Jeff. Goodbye!

Kelly goes home and erases all the bad things she wrote about Zack in her diary. Because he dumped her for a creepy older guy...at the prom.

BEST QUOTE
Kelly: You maggot mouth liar, you're just jealous, Jeff would never cheat on me!

Zack: Kelly, I saw it with my own eyes!

Kelly: You're wrong! Last night Jeff was bowling with his roommates. Why don't you just mind your own business and stay out of my life

Harsh Kelly, hm I wonder how Jeff's roommates feel about his molesting young girls?

Lisa: Wait a minute... you have to be eighteen to get to the attic.

Screech: Not true! You could be fifty-four!

AWW MOMENT:
Mrs. Morris, the poor naive girl, walks into Zack's room and gives him a black and white poster of the super rad band Peter, Paul, and Mary while whistling "Puff the Magic Dragon". A great moment in acting.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
Oh so many...
1. How is Screech developing pictures in a brightly lit room. I don't know much about photography, but I know its called a dark room for a reason.

2. Your telling me these kids want Fake IDs to go dancing...dancing?

3. How is Jeff not a professional male model, did you see that picture Kelly took of him for class?

4. Why does this "club" have Doritos just sitting out on the tables...gross.

5. Why does Slater have baby pictures of Jessie in his wallet? That's just odd!

Slater's Damn Sexy White Water Rafting Outfit

Unsubg Hero: James (The Thesbian)

I recently saw an episode of SBTB that featured one of my favorite guest characters, James the waiter/out of work actor who works at the Max. James was actually a pretty good actor in retrospect, I found my self genuinely laughing on more than one occasion but, he really should have stayed away from the crazy antics of 16 year old kids.

James' job at the Max was incredibly convenient since he only showed up for work twice and thank the stars. In the two episodes in which he appears Zack is in need of a middle aged man with charisma...
1. Pretend to be Zack's Dad
2. Pretend to be a representative from Harrrvard.

Famous James Impersonations:
1.Derrick Morris (Zack's Dad, not to be confused with Derek Morehouse,wilderness man)
2.Mr. Belding
3.Stanley Alan Taylor (S.A.T.) with the worst fake beard ever. It falls off half way through the scene, Mark-Paul Gosselaar tries so hard not to laugh. It's hard for me to believe that was the best take they shot.
4.Harvard dickhead

Favorite James Quote:
"Bay dock, view, SIDE"!

Names James Calls Helen From Stansbury University:
1.Mrs Potbellyham
2.Mrs Billygoatcheesehamsandwiches

The Only Two Jobs James Got As An Actor:
1. The musical Cats in dog suits where he got bone thrown at him.
2. Julius Caesar, with or without anchovies.

PS: The actor who played James was born in 1950 making him 41 when he first appeared on SBTB, creeeeepy. Years later he also appeared on The New Class, again, he only lasted 2 episodes.

PSS: You may recognize James as Blinkin' from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. "Fix your boobs Blinkin'"!

The Time Capsule: The Worst Episode EVER!

This episode is by far the most unnecessary episode of Saved by the Bell and premiered December 5, 1992. It's been ten years since the gang graduated and a new gang, who are basically retarded clones of Zack, Slater, Screech, Lisa, and a horribly unattractive Jessie find a time capsule buried underneath the school's football field. Inside, they find an old VHS tape of five random students talking about really pointless things (aka old episodes of the show)SCORE!

There is literally nothing funny about this episode and is by far my least favorite, even as a kid I new it was ridiculous.

What The F*** Moment:
There is a moment on the tape where Jessie talks about her relationship with Slater and her crack (I mean caffeine pill) addiction. On the tape they have footage of her and Slater making out in her room as well as her "I'm SOOO excited" freak-out. If this was a school time capsule...
1. Where in the hell did they get that footage?!
2. Why in the world would Jessie want the future generation of Bayside Tiger's to know about her breakdown?! TMI Jessie, TMI.

Also, it's only been ten years and Mr. B has gray hair and mustache, does he age in dog years?

Rod Belding... Follow Your Dreams.

The Fabulous Belding Brothers

Today is very special episode that features the one and only appearance/mention of Rodney (the Rod) Belding. This episode premiered December 9, 1990 and in the alternate reality known as Bayside high, if the kids don't pass their midterms, they can't go on the class trip, bummer. Cue the over the top obnoxious teacher, the comedy gold otherwise known as Mr. Dickerson. The gang studies their butts off, for about five seconds, until they start experiencing group hallucinations and decide to just give up. "F,F,F, your both getting an F!"

The next day at school. Mr. Dickerson is a no show, (due to a swiftly mentioned mental breakdown) and after implementing the five minute rule, the kids are ready to leave. This is until the golden god known as Rod Belding appears in the door way. Pure sex.

Rod is totally radical and has zero respect for paper by allowing the whole class to rip up their tests and choose their own grades, the grade they think they deserve (sure Lisa, A+, whatever). Moments later, Mr. (Richard) Belding walks in and announces to the only six student who matter where the class trip will be, Yosemite Park, not noticing that none of the children are still taking the test and the shards of paper sprinkled across the floor.

Rod warns the class of Mr. B's horrible camping skills and suggests white water rafting instead, he even offers to guide them. Rod should have suggested they rob a liquor store and pocket the cash because everyone was on board before you could say mouth to mouth resuscitation.

The gang (aka Screech, the bitch) tells Mr. Belding that they'd rather go white water rafting with Rod than to Yosemite with him. Mr. Belding is obviously disappointed, in fact he is crushed and nothing makes the viewer feel for him more than that slow motion drop of the Yosemite Park brochure into the trash can. Ugh, so sad.

Rod insists the kids prepare for the trip by being shaken to death on a raft? And then he lets Zach, Kelly, Slater, and Jessie suck face in front of at least 20 other people? Weird.

It’s the night of the big trip and everyone is ready to go, the buses are ready, but Rod is no where to be found. That's because this flake is dumping thirty kids,(who could fit comfortably on one bus, but whatever) for a slut stewardess named Inga...wear a condom Rod. Zach over hears this and starts acting like a huge baby, until Mr. Belding offers to take them, even though he'll probably drown. Should of taken Rod's safety class Richie!

BEST QUOTE:
"Mr. Dickerson came into the teacher's lounge and started giving everyone F's, I knew he needed a vacation when he sent me to detention."

DUMBEST QUOTE:
Kelly, talking about white water rafting...
"It's exciting, like a spike in volleyball!" Huh? Good analogy Kel, your one line this episode was really important to the flow of the story.

SWITCH A ROO:
Starting with this episode, the lockers in hall have switched from red to orange.

A.C. SLATER, FASHION ICON:

While waiting for the bus to take them white water rafting Slater is wearing the most FABULOUS outfit EVER! Kahki short shorts and a light blue jean shirt unbuttoned down to the navel. The perfect outfit for the outdoor man, mmm.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
Simply Rod Belding as a character is pretty outrageous. How are no parents questioning this guy's ability to take their children on an incredibly dangerous class trip, let alone teach them anything.

Also, Mr. Belding quickly mentions that there are only 30 students going on the trip. Either that is the smallest class of kids ever or most of the class is “slow”.

And another thing, this episode premiered during the last leg of season two, making the gang sophmores, perhaps juniors. Who ever heard of a sophmore class trip?

...I'll Take The Heat

I Was In the Seat...

Driver's Education

This episode, which aired September 29, 1990, takes us back to the golden years of learning how to drive...a golf cart. The gang are turning sixteen, simultaneously, and everyone knows what that means...driver's education. Of course, Zack and Slater turn this into another opportunity for a whose dick is bigger showdown.

Zack is terrified Kelly will leave him for Slater based solely on the fact that Slater will turn sixteen before him anf therefore drive before him,(because their relationship was built on trust and understanding, not materialistic things like looks and property). Not to mention the fact that Slater's got a sexy, new (on the outside) car. So Zack decides the only way to keep his lady is to get Slater kicked out of Driver's Ed. (BRILLANT).

SIDENOTE: I don't think there is an outside in SBTB; the kids spend all of their time in the school. And they only ever eat at the Max, which must be owned by the school since they hold every event there (pep rallies, dance contest, school projects). So there talking Driver's Ed so they can drive where exactly? Think about it...


Scheme #1- Zack tells Mr. Tuttle(Drivers Ed/Choir Teacher) that Slater is basically talking shit about him and Slater thinks he should be teaching the class instead of Tuttle leading to Mr. Tuttle's best line... "Pushy,pushy,move your tushy."

Scheme #2- Zack gives Slater twenty dollars for a driving lesson after school. Then he forces Screech (aka Zack's bitch) to act like Tuttle over the phone to get Mr. Belding to get the keys for the car, the cart, whatever it is? Belding mentions he was in school on a finger painting scholarship (OK?). Zack drives the cart into the halls (WHAAAT?) and gets Slater to drive, but then Kelly jumps in, and then OH NO, the cart is totalled and Kelly has amnesia, really, nope. She's just pretending to teach Zack a lesson, again, but she sucks at life and it didn't work.

Next, one cluster fuck of a scene. First Kelly confesses to crashing the cart, then Slater ("I was in the seat, I'll take the heat!"), and then Zack, the real culprit. Kelly forgives Zack for being a jealous loser and all is right in the world, unless Kelly gets in Slater's car, then she's dead to him.

BEST QUOTE: NO CONTEST

Slater: I was in the seat, I'll take the heat." Wise words.

MR. NITPICK:

Hey Slater a word of advice just because your car looks good on the outside doesn't mean it won't blow up the second you turn the key.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:

After all is said and done Kelly totally forgives Zack. The only reason any of this bullshit happened was because he didn't trust Kelly to keep her legs closed in Slater's car. Slut.

Swan Pond

Here's a link to a video of Swan Pond. GREAT!

http://www.tbs.com/video/index.jsp?oid=182529&eref=sharethisUrl

Graduation

Ah..it seems like only yesterday we started...
Today's episode takes us to the halls of Bayside for the last time, yep that's right, it's GRADUATION. Zack, on his way to Yale to, no doubt, succeed, is the most excited to leave until, cue the dramatic music, he discovers he is one credit short of graduating with his friends. What to do?

Nerds are assaulted, principals are bribed, but in the end the only thing to do is DANCE! Swan Pond, probably one of the only moments in SBTB history that tries to be funny, and is.

While Zack deals with his drama, Jessie longs to be the school's valedictorian, but the honor is giving to Screech, the kid who didn't know the number for 911. Screech, paralyzed by the fear of public speaking, gives up the honor for Jessie's sake.

During graduation there are more people at the microphone in a four minute period than I thought went to the school. First its Belding, then Jessie (who cries), then Screech, then Zack(?) who let that happen?

BEST QUOTE:
Pete: No problem, I got extra credit from my Spanish cooking class

MR. NITPICK:
So many issues...

1)How was Slater not already in that dance class, he's amazing?
2)Is is possible to not accept being valedictorian, if you didn't want it, why did you work so hard?
3)How is it OK for Zack to get on stage and speak during the ceremony? Usually those things are programed ahead of time.
4)Why aren't they given there diplomas in alphabetical order?
5)Why does Big Pete want a Letterman's jacket now, schools over?

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
Simply Zack leaping on to the stage, did Slater shoot him out of canon?

School Song

OK so I'm jumping a little ahead of myself but this episode is pure gold and one that features a classic lip-syncing performance by the Bayside Choir and premiered November 28, 1992. As the end of the Zack's (second) senior year comes to a close, he fears he will only be remembered for being a sneaky son of a bitch. In order to rectify years of lying and cheating, he decides to pen Bayside's new school song/senior gift, the ultimate baptism.

Everyone and their mother enters the competition, nerds, jocks, men, women, and whatever the hell Tori is? Zack isn't so confident his song will win, so in order win he begins sabotaging his friends songs. What? Wasn't this song supposed to help change his reputation as a slim-ball, kind of a contradiction Zack?

Everything goes to plan, but Zack underestimates the pure talent of Samuel "Screech" Powers and assuming he'll sink himself, let's Screech perform sabotage free. Screech kills it, assuming blatant plagiarism isn't terms for disqualification and him and Zack tie. SING OFF!

The choir learns both songs, but not before completely changing Screech's version and drugging Zach with some cocktail Slater learned to mix in prison, because I want my children learning that an eye for an eye is always the best policy. Zach learns his lesson and gets to sing with choir. Phew.

BEST QUOTE:
Bayside Glee Club:
It seems like only yesterday we started, but soon we'll put away our books and pens. We'll all go on with our lives once we've parted, But how can we say farewell to all our friends?

The double dates, the parties, and the dances, Crammin' for a midterm until 3.

The football games, the Max, and the romances, soon Bayside will be just a memory.

Our 4 years here have all become unraveled, and so our high school story finally ends. But years from now, no matter where we've traveled, we'll all look back and think about our friends.

CLASSIC!But shouldn't you look back and think about your SCHOOL? It was the SCHOOL song!

Did You Know:
This was officially the last episode of SBTB ever shot. You can see the tears in Dustin Diamonds eyes. Pussy.

The school song they write for this episode is sung in the later show, Saved by the Bell: The New Class.

Dreams Really Do Come True...

Cream For A Day (Actual Title)

Another episode where Zack destroys Kelly's hopes and dreams. This episode premiered on Saturday October 7, 1989 and the fun doesn't stop at it's title. Its homecoming week kids and after a 23 year losing streak against valley and their evil, evil cheerleaders, the Bayside Tigers are ready to kick some bulldog ass.

Here we find Kelly nominated for homecoming queen and we can bet our favorite ankle length cheerleading skirt that she's a shoe-in. Meanwhile Zack and Screech are up to no good in chemistry and Screech gets a pie in the face, or at least something that looks like whipped cream, shooting out of a beaker. Hours later a miracle occurs, Screech's normally puss filled pores are spotless and Zack jumps on the opportunity to make a buck.

Selling the cream under the name Beldasil (screw you Belding) he woos young adults with a live demonstration featuring every one's favorite sufferer of cystic acne Craterface Coburn, (he pops out of a locker with skin smoother than a baby's bum). But, of course, nothing good comes easy, and just as Zack sells an ashamed Kelly a tube (she devours that shit!) a horrified Screech arrives with maroon skin, and guess how he got it!

Kelly is pissed, again, and must be in the homecoming parade with a maroon face. But its OK, because Kelly is just like the maroon faced minion students who worship her and she wins.


BEST QUOTE:
Zack: Did you wash your face today?

Screech: Why would I do that during the week? (YUCK)

MR. NITPICK:
How is it possible that both the quarterback of the football team and the homecoming queen are freshman? The upper class man must be really pussies.

I LOVE THE 80S:
Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!" (ONLY IN OUR DREAMS!!!)

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
What are the odds that the color this mystery cream turns your face is maroon, the team colors of the Bayside Tigers? Whatever. I wouldn't have put any cream Zack gave me on my face anyway. (YUCK AGAIN)

Is It Hot In Here...

Model Students

 Today's episode originally aired Saturday November 10, 1990 and brings us to the never before seen or previously mentioned Bayside school store. The store, in which Kelly works, because as everyone knows, she's poor, is something of a geek tyranny. The three nerds who run the store have never once been spoken to or acknowledged by the crew before and because of this decide to make Kelly's life a living hell. Before you know it, the store is at risk of closing, Zack to the rescue.

First, the gang completely renovate the store, (with their own money, resources, and the schools permission) and turn it into an awesome place to shop, with neon clock backpacks. Unfortunately, there are still no customers, and they need to come up with a way to get people in there.

Zack decides that the only reasonable way to save the school store and Kelly's job is to force Screech (aka, Zack's bitch) to secretly take half naked pictures of their good friends/girlfriends during swim practice, because everyone knows if Screech is anything, it's stealth. Now things start to get good...

When the calender is done, of course it's a hit, and the girls are pissed. They go to complain to Mr. Belding, but are interrupted by probably the greatest guest star in SBTB history, Adam Trask. Because Adam spends his days staring at underage girls in swimsuits, he offers the girls an opportunity to model in a magazine. The pictures are, of course, a huge hit and now he needs one of the girls for an even bigger shoot, this time in Paris. Adam picks Kelly, total shocker, and Zack is pissed and, being the greatest boyfriend ever, makes Kelly feel super guilty for achieving her two day old dream.

Zack eventually feels bad about what he's done and, after a stern talking to from Adam, apologizes and throws Kelly a party in her huge bedroom. Seven brothers and sisters my ass.

BEST QUOTE:
Geek: Yeah, well, the next time you tell us to stand up, sit down, fight fight fight, we're just gonna sit there and do nothing! (Kelly's life = A living hell)

MR. NITPICK:
Mr. Belding doesn't recognize his own face? Ah, the people who mold the young minds of America!

How are the nerds able to decide what is sold in the school store, they have that kind of authority?

If Screech took the girls picture secretly, how are they posing?

RANDOM NAME DROP
Harriet Hippoman (Kelly's alternate on the swim team).

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
When the girls are posing for Adam the first time, nobody cheers for Lisa, I guess racism is a real problem at Bayside High.

Simply the dialogue provided by Adam Trask during the photo shoots is so very wrong, unsettling, disgusting... I should of stopped at disgusting.

"Kelly, be your own woman”

Jessie's Song

It is only right to start from the top. One of the most loved and mocked of episodes, Jessie's Song, is Saved by the Bell at its most "very special". The episode, which premiered November 3, 1990, focuses on Jessie Spano, our favorite Mama, and the mounting pressure she is undergoing from school, specifically geometry, because everyone knows women suck at math.

Adding to her inevitable breakdown Zack insists she sing in his, no doubt Grammy Award winning, all girl group Hot Sundae alongside Kelly and Lisa. I personally liked the Zit Hit machine, but that's another story. They shoot a music video and sing in the locker room and then their big break, a gig at the Max.

In order for Jessie to keep up with it all of her responsibilities she turns to drugs, of the over the counter variety (gasp). She of course becomes hooked as well as SOOO EXCITED, SOO EXCITED, SO SCARED.

BEST QUOTE:
Mr. Dewey: (Announcing Grades) Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.

Jessie: C? C?!

Mr Dewey: Si, senorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.

MR. NITPICK:
In this episode Kelly has a great singing voice, but in the Miss Bayside Pageant she
sang Bluebird and her voice was terrible.

I LOVE THE 90S:
Kelly: Who are you?

Screech: (Dressed as a cleaning lady) Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor!

Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?

Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.

Lisa: You taught her everything she knows!?

Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.

Ahh who doesn't love the Pope!?

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
For one thing Jessie get hooked on the junk in like four days which is a totally believable amount of time and this results in psycotic, violently aggressive behavior. Thank the stars she gets counseling at the end...nut.