...I'll Take The Heat

I Was In the Seat...

Driver's Education

This episode, which aired September 29, 1990, takes us back to the golden years of learning how to drive...a golf cart. The gang are turning sixteen, simultaneously, and everyone knows what that means...driver's education. Of course, Zack and Slater turn this into another opportunity for a whose dick is bigger showdown.

Zack is terrified Kelly will leave him for Slater based solely on the fact that Slater will turn sixteen before him anf therefore drive before him,(because their relationship was built on trust and understanding, not materialistic things like looks and property). Not to mention the fact that Slater's got a sexy, new (on the outside) car. So Zack decides the only way to keep his lady is to get Slater kicked out of Driver's Ed. (BRILLANT).

SIDENOTE: I don't think there is an outside in SBTB; the kids spend all of their time in the school. And they only ever eat at the Max, which must be owned by the school since they hold every event there (pep rallies, dance contest, school projects). So there talking Driver's Ed so they can drive where exactly? Think about it...


Scheme #1- Zack tells Mr. Tuttle(Drivers Ed/Choir Teacher) that Slater is basically talking shit about him and Slater thinks he should be teaching the class instead of Tuttle leading to Mr. Tuttle's best line... "Pushy,pushy,move your tushy."

Scheme #2- Zack gives Slater twenty dollars for a driving lesson after school. Then he forces Screech (aka Zack's bitch) to act like Tuttle over the phone to get Mr. Belding to get the keys for the car, the cart, whatever it is? Belding mentions he was in school on a finger painting scholarship (OK?). Zack drives the cart into the halls (WHAAAT?) and gets Slater to drive, but then Kelly jumps in, and then OH NO, the cart is totalled and Kelly has amnesia, really, nope. She's just pretending to teach Zack a lesson, again, but she sucks at life and it didn't work.

Next, one cluster fuck of a scene. First Kelly confesses to crashing the cart, then Slater ("I was in the seat, I'll take the heat!"), and then Zack, the real culprit. Kelly forgives Zack for being a jealous loser and all is right in the world, unless Kelly gets in Slater's car, then she's dead to him.

BEST QUOTE: NO CONTEST

Slater: I was in the seat, I'll take the heat." Wise words.

MR. NITPICK:

Hey Slater a word of advice just because your car looks good on the outside doesn't mean it won't blow up the second you turn the key.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:

After all is said and done Kelly totally forgives Zack. The only reason any of this bullshit happened was because he didn't trust Kelly to keep her legs closed in Slater's car. Slut.

Swan Pond

Here's a link to a video of Swan Pond. GREAT!

http://www.tbs.com/video/index.jsp?oid=182529&eref=sharethisUrl

Graduation

Ah..it seems like only yesterday we started...
Today's episode takes us to the halls of Bayside for the last time, yep that's right, it's GRADUATION. Zack, on his way to Yale to, no doubt, succeed, is the most excited to leave until, cue the dramatic music, he discovers he is one credit short of graduating with his friends. What to do?

Nerds are assaulted, principals are bribed, but in the end the only thing to do is DANCE! Swan Pond, probably one of the only moments in SBTB history that tries to be funny, and is.

While Zack deals with his drama, Jessie longs to be the school's valedictorian, but the honor is giving to Screech, the kid who didn't know the number for 911. Screech, paralyzed by the fear of public speaking, gives up the honor for Jessie's sake.

During graduation there are more people at the microphone in a four minute period than I thought went to the school. First its Belding, then Jessie (who cries), then Screech, then Zack(?) who let that happen?

BEST QUOTE:
Pete: No problem, I got extra credit from my Spanish cooking class

MR. NITPICK:
So many issues...

1)How was Slater not already in that dance class, he's amazing?
2)Is is possible to not accept being valedictorian, if you didn't want it, why did you work so hard?
3)How is it OK for Zack to get on stage and speak during the ceremony? Usually those things are programed ahead of time.
4)Why aren't they given there diplomas in alphabetical order?
5)Why does Big Pete want a Letterman's jacket now, schools over?

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
Simply Zack leaping on to the stage, did Slater shoot him out of canon?

School Song

OK so I'm jumping a little ahead of myself but this episode is pure gold and one that features a classic lip-syncing performance by the Bayside Choir and premiered November 28, 1992. As the end of the Zack's (second) senior year comes to a close, he fears he will only be remembered for being a sneaky son of a bitch. In order to rectify years of lying and cheating, he decides to pen Bayside's new school song/senior gift, the ultimate baptism.

Everyone and their mother enters the competition, nerds, jocks, men, women, and whatever the hell Tori is? Zack isn't so confident his song will win, so in order win he begins sabotaging his friends songs. What? Wasn't this song supposed to help change his reputation as a slim-ball, kind of a contradiction Zack?

Everything goes to plan, but Zack underestimates the pure talent of Samuel "Screech" Powers and assuming he'll sink himself, let's Screech perform sabotage free. Screech kills it, assuming blatant plagiarism isn't terms for disqualification and him and Zack tie. SING OFF!

The choir learns both songs, but not before completely changing Screech's version and drugging Zach with some cocktail Slater learned to mix in prison, because I want my children learning that an eye for an eye is always the best policy. Zach learns his lesson and gets to sing with choir. Phew.

BEST QUOTE:
Bayside Glee Club:
It seems like only yesterday we started, but soon we'll put away our books and pens. We'll all go on with our lives once we've parted, But how can we say farewell to all our friends?

The double dates, the parties, and the dances, Crammin' for a midterm until 3.

The football games, the Max, and the romances, soon Bayside will be just a memory.

Our 4 years here have all become unraveled, and so our high school story finally ends. But years from now, no matter where we've traveled, we'll all look back and think about our friends.

CLASSIC!But shouldn't you look back and think about your SCHOOL? It was the SCHOOL song!

Did You Know:
This was officially the last episode of SBTB ever shot. You can see the tears in Dustin Diamonds eyes. Pussy.

The school song they write for this episode is sung in the later show, Saved by the Bell: The New Class.

Dreams Really Do Come True...

Cream For A Day (Actual Title)

Another episode where Zack destroys Kelly's hopes and dreams. This episode premiered on Saturday October 7, 1989 and the fun doesn't stop at it's title. Its homecoming week kids and after a 23 year losing streak against valley and their evil, evil cheerleaders, the Bayside Tigers are ready to kick some bulldog ass.

Here we find Kelly nominated for homecoming queen and we can bet our favorite ankle length cheerleading skirt that she's a shoe-in. Meanwhile Zack and Screech are up to no good in chemistry and Screech gets a pie in the face, or at least something that looks like whipped cream, shooting out of a beaker. Hours later a miracle occurs, Screech's normally puss filled pores are spotless and Zack jumps on the opportunity to make a buck.

Selling the cream under the name Beldasil (screw you Belding) he woos young adults with a live demonstration featuring every one's favorite sufferer of cystic acne Craterface Coburn, (he pops out of a locker with skin smoother than a baby's bum). But, of course, nothing good comes easy, and just as Zack sells an ashamed Kelly a tube (she devours that shit!) a horrified Screech arrives with maroon skin, and guess how he got it!

Kelly is pissed, again, and must be in the homecoming parade with a maroon face. But its OK, because Kelly is just like the maroon faced minion students who worship her and she wins.


BEST QUOTE:
Zack: Did you wash your face today?

Screech: Why would I do that during the week? (YUCK)

MR. NITPICK:
How is it possible that both the quarterback of the football team and the homecoming queen are freshman? The upper class man must be really pussies.

I LOVE THE 80S:
Craterface: "Jason Bateman's not on the $10 bill!" (ONLY IN OUR DREAMS!!!)

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
What are the odds that the color this mystery cream turns your face is maroon, the team colors of the Bayside Tigers? Whatever. I wouldn't have put any cream Zack gave me on my face anyway. (YUCK AGAIN)

Is It Hot In Here...

Model Students

 Today's episode originally aired Saturday November 10, 1990 and brings us to the never before seen or previously mentioned Bayside school store. The store, in which Kelly works, because as everyone knows, she's poor, is something of a geek tyranny. The three nerds who run the store have never once been spoken to or acknowledged by the crew before and because of this decide to make Kelly's life a living hell. Before you know it, the store is at risk of closing, Zack to the rescue.

First, the gang completely renovate the store, (with their own money, resources, and the schools permission) and turn it into an awesome place to shop, with neon clock backpacks. Unfortunately, there are still no customers, and they need to come up with a way to get people in there.

Zack decides that the only reasonable way to save the school store and Kelly's job is to force Screech (aka, Zack's bitch) to secretly take half naked pictures of their good friends/girlfriends during swim practice, because everyone knows if Screech is anything, it's stealth. Now things start to get good...

When the calender is done, of course it's a hit, and the girls are pissed. They go to complain to Mr. Belding, but are interrupted by probably the greatest guest star in SBTB history, Adam Trask. Because Adam spends his days staring at underage girls in swimsuits, he offers the girls an opportunity to model in a magazine. The pictures are, of course, a huge hit and now he needs one of the girls for an even bigger shoot, this time in Paris. Adam picks Kelly, total shocker, and Zack is pissed and, being the greatest boyfriend ever, makes Kelly feel super guilty for achieving her two day old dream.

Zack eventually feels bad about what he's done and, after a stern talking to from Adam, apologizes and throws Kelly a party in her huge bedroom. Seven brothers and sisters my ass.

BEST QUOTE:
Geek: Yeah, well, the next time you tell us to stand up, sit down, fight fight fight, we're just gonna sit there and do nothing! (Kelly's life = A living hell)

MR. NITPICK:
Mr. Belding doesn't recognize his own face? Ah, the people who mold the young minds of America!

How are the nerds able to decide what is sold in the school store, they have that kind of authority?

If Screech took the girls picture secretly, how are they posing?

RANDOM NAME DROP
Harriet Hippoman (Kelly's alternate on the swim team).

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
When the girls are posing for Adam the first time, nobody cheers for Lisa, I guess racism is a real problem at Bayside High.

Simply the dialogue provided by Adam Trask during the photo shoots is so very wrong, unsettling, disgusting... I should of stopped at disgusting.

"Kelly, be your own woman”

Jessie's Song

It is only right to start from the top. One of the most loved and mocked of episodes, Jessie's Song, is Saved by the Bell at its most "very special". The episode, which premiered November 3, 1990, focuses on Jessie Spano, our favorite Mama, and the mounting pressure she is undergoing from school, specifically geometry, because everyone knows women suck at math.

Adding to her inevitable breakdown Zack insists she sing in his, no doubt Grammy Award winning, all girl group Hot Sundae alongside Kelly and Lisa. I personally liked the Zit Hit machine, but that's another story. They shoot a music video and sing in the locker room and then their big break, a gig at the Max.

In order for Jessie to keep up with it all of her responsibilities she turns to drugs, of the over the counter variety (gasp). She of course becomes hooked as well as SOOO EXCITED, SOO EXCITED, SO SCARED.

BEST QUOTE:
Mr. Dewey: (Announcing Grades) Kelly B+, Lisa B+, Jessie C.

Jessie: C? C?!

Mr Dewey: Si, senorita, but this is geometry, not Spanish.

MR. NITPICK:
In this episode Kelly has a great singing voice, but in the Miss Bayside Pageant she
sang Bluebird and her voice was terrible.

I LOVE THE 90S:
Kelly: Who are you?

Screech: (Dressed as a cleaning lady) Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor!

Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?

Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.

Lisa: You taught her everything she knows!?

Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.

Ahh who doesn't love the Pope!?

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
For one thing Jessie get hooked on the junk in like four days which is a totally believable amount of time and this results in psycotic, violently aggressive behavior. Thank the stars she gets counseling at the end...nut.