There's No Hope With Dope

Tonight's very special episode is one the whole family should watch together. In this episode, which aired November 30, 1991, Bayside has been selected to be the location for an anti-drug commercial. The ad will feature some "real" kids from the school (guess who) alongside A-list actor Johnny Dakota. Right away everyone is smiting with Johnny, especially Kelly, who forms a non-sexual bond with him, (come on Saved by the Bell mix it up, can't anyone ever been interested in Lisa?). Johnny also bonds with Zack by giving him his weird purple jacket, because he's Johnny Dakota, he must have a hundred of those jackets.

Johnny hosts pow-wows where the gang (and some random biker chick who really puts a bummer on the day, see below) talk about their non existent drug experiences. Everything is going well until the (underage) kids get invited to one of Johnny's sleazy industry parties where he smokes pot and then pressures Kelly to do the same. Also, in the alternate universe known as Hollywood, Screech is Johnny's stunt double and no one likes Slater.

The next day Johnny shows up as if nothing had happened, but Zack, who been sucking Johnny's dick every since he walked through the front doors, isn't having it. He throws Johnny's jacket back in his face and gets everyone to stand up to him and dirty pot mouth. So, Johnny quits, he doesn't need this school!

The kids explain what happen to Mr. B, who immediately trusts them, and calls in a favor. Oh yeah, his best bud just so happens to own mother-fucking NBC! So they get to do the commercial and everyone is happy :) Except for that heavy metal chick whose brother in still in a wheelchair, but whatever.

Best Quote:
Zack: "In one word, would I do dope...nope."
Uh, I just got chills.

What The F*** Moment:
Rhonda: "You wanna know what's dumb? My brother used drugs to get high and drive to the beach. Now I have to drive him. He's in a wheelchair."

Whoa. That is intense.

I Love The 90s:
These are the actors Lisa and Jessie boned at the party...
Stone Sutherland = Keifer Sutherland
Luke Diamond = Lou Diamond Phillips

Did You Notice?:
Ox, the lovable jock, appears in this episode as a heavy metal biker dude named Scud who smokes pot in the bathroom. He never appears as this character again, but appears in several more episodes as Ox.

Screech's Birthday

An absolute gem, this episode premiered on November 14, 1992 during season 4. It was originally shot to air during season 1, but because no one would notice the miraculous age difference, they pushed it back three years.

The gang has forgotten Screech's birthday and can't stand to see him horribly depressed and about to kill himself so they plan a post birthday bash. So where do they decide to hold this little get together? Mr. Belding's office of course! Not the Max which they have no problem leaving school to go to.

The only way to pull this off is to de-throne the evil hall monitor Neil. This kid take his jobs super seriously and is not to be messed with. So, in order to kill two birds with one nerd the gang finds a way to make Screech hall-monitor, getting rid of Neil and making Screech's party possible.

With Screech as hall monitor the gang thinks they can walk the halls freely, but little do they know, Screech takes his new responsibility seriously, hell its not like he has to go to class anymore. Screech holds a grudge and gets off on his power, even at one point imagining himself as a teenage robocop..with a laser.

The kids get Belding out of his office with a lame "help me Mr. B I'm lost at the mall" gimmick, but still have to get past Screech. Each of them gets sent to detention and are running out of time for the party. By the time Screech realizes all of this hall monitor nominating stuff was for a party, he forgives them, only leaving time for a minute long celebration in Mr. B's office. Pictures are flipped, shades a turned, balloons come out of file cabinets...its beautiful.

Best Quote:
Zack: "You can tell me, what do you really think of me?"
Hall Monitor Neil: "You're a creep"
Honesty is the best policy, remember that kids!

What The F*** Moment:
1. Screech has a fully functional robot, who they let come to school?
2. Mr. Dewey does Tai Kwon Do?

Unsung Hero: Kevin the Robot

Ten Reasons Why I Love Kevin, Screech's Robot:

10. He drinks Root Beer
9. He's good at magic
8. He monitors the halls
7. He's witty
6. He can sneeze
5. He needs glasses
4. He can burp
3. He's got a mean left hook...just ask Screech
2. He never forgets Screech's birthday

...and number one...
1. He's a fucking talking ROBOT!

The Friendship Buisness

In this episode which premiered November 4, 1989 we find the crew in some sort of "learn how to start a business" class that is, of course, an essential part of their high school core curriculum. Each group of students gets $100 (of tax payer money) to start a business with an original idea. The gang draws a blank on what to sell until the extra curricular machine known as Lisa Turtle gives everyone Friendship Bracelets that she made in, you guessed it, the Fashion Club. Zack decides the bracelets are his ticket to GLORY, and they begin to sell like, you guessed it, colored yarn?

Zack quickly become obsessed with the mediocre success of the Friendship Bracelet industry and starts forcing Lisa and imaginary friends in the Fashion Club into slavery. But what's worse than that is he has the nerve to appoint himself president...so everyone quits, expect for Screech...Zack's bitch and Lisa.

Slater, Kelly, and Jessie branch out on their own and come up with an understated and original idea...Buddy Bands, aka Friendship Bracelets for you forehead. This leads to a spectacular home made video featuring some Academy Award winning acting from AC. Eventually, Lisa and Screech realize Zack is using them and also quit, leaving Zack up shit creek without a Buddy...Band.

In a last ditch effort to fuck over every friend he's ever had, Zack gives a new hip Buddy Band to Mr. Belding, students see this, and ask for refunds. Because everyone knows, Mr. Belding was the only thing uncool about Buddy Bands. Jessie should have known better than to make any kind of refund an option if you ask me, but eh.

At this point, both teams products are a bust, aka, a failing grade. No one wants Jessie to have a brain aneurysm, so they join forces and produce Love Cuffs, two Friendship Bracelets connected by a Buddy Band. Mr. Tuttle sees how hard everyone worked to discover the true meaning of friendship (slavery, dictatorship, abandonment) and gives everyone an A. Phew, that was a close one.

Eww, Think About It:
Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."

Best Quote:
Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."
and
Max: "How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?" Mmm, delicious.

Hmmm, I Wonder...:
When Slater, Kelly, and Jessie leave to form Buddy Bands, Lisa,(and I'm guessing the rest of the Fashion Club) is still with Zack making Friendship Bracelets. So who made all those Buddy Bands? Hmmm, I wonder.