What The Hell Is Going On Here?

The strangest picture ever.

Rockumentary

The Beatles were once quoted saying that no other band influenced their careers more than The Zack Attack. True story. In this classic episode we find the gang, (minus Jessie who I guess wasn't any one's friend forever), practicing as their band The Zack Attack. We follow them through their tumultuous career, their huge success, and inevitable demise. Casey Kasem narrates a sort of Behind the Music before Behind the Music breakdown of the group's career. I don't know why Casey Kasem was in two episodes of Saved by the Bell during his career nor do I care, I picture his voice would greet me in hell, but I digress.

One fateful day, a record exec named Brian Fate (Oh Saved by the Bell you slay me!)is jogging, in an awesome jogging suit, and hears the band and decides he must have them. They play small, dimly lit coffee shops, get their record played on the radio, and boom their playing Madison Square Garden, naturally rifts develop.

Mindy, a publicist, is hired to be the ice cold face of the band, and seduces 16 year old Zack. She eventually turns Zack against his friends, writes wretched songs, forces the band to play them, and then laughs when they want to write a song. She's a white Yoko Ono, because if Mindy was Asian, that would be too obvious.

The band eventually calls is quits and Zack goes solo turning into a weird morph Madonna/Elton John/Cher/ Super Gay combination. Lisa is an American Gladiator, Kelly's a nun who will die a virgin, Screech a nerdy Buddha, and Slater a shitty race car driver who crashes and forces them all back together because, as we all know, bands may come and go, but friends are forever.

The last shot of the episode is a cut to Zack asleep and we find out it was all a dream...or was it.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT: The whole episode really, but the fact that Zack can have such a vivid dream while taking a nap on top of a crate is crazy.

DID YOU NOTICE?: The room where the Grammy after party is taking place was Johnny Dakota's hotel room in the episode There's No Hope With Dope.

TOP FIVE ZACK ATTACK SONGS:
1. How Am I Suppose To Live Without You (Ah, nothing like that Michael Bolton. The man truly has a beautiful voice.)
2. Friends Forever
3. Did We Ever Have A Chance
4. Kelly, Slater, and Screech's Song About School
5. Make My Day (They play this song in the episode The Last Dance, its so bad its good, and Zack tells Kelly he wrote it for her, which is odd.)

PS: How did the get Don Henley to dub over Zack's awesome lip syncing skills?

Lisa's Boob

Zack goes for it...

Fake IDs

This episode premiered October 19, 1991. Here we find the gang all enrolled in the same photography class taught by Mr. Belding? Because otherwise there would be no logical place for him in the episode. Zack and Kelly have been broken up for two weeks so Zack is over her and Kelly and Jeff are in a deeply committed relationship.

One day, at the Max, a beautiful college girl (we know she's in college because she's wearing a sweatshirt with USC on it)walks in and she and Zack strike up a conversation. Zack lies about his age and the fact that he also goes to USC, I guess Zack just enjoys hanging out around high schools. They set a date, at an over 18 club. Thank God they learned how to make Fake IDs in photography class! Now they can dance...sober.

Zack, Slater, and Screech make their, no doubt, fool proof Fake IDs, and head to the "The Attic" to meet up with Zack's hot co-ed. While there, they see Kelly's new boyfriend Jeff (aka, I sleep with high school girls) kissing another girl. They don't know what to do so they just leave and because Zack isn't bitter about Kelly ripping out his chest and spitting on his heart he decides not to tell her.

The next day Jessie and Lisa know something is up with the guys because the look exhausted and smell like booze and hooker. Screech spills the beans about the Fake IDs (big surprise) and the girls want some too. Zack decides to tell Kelly about Jeff, but she freaks out and writes it off as jealousy.

While Screech is sneakily making Jessie and Lisa's IDs in the five minutes between classes, Kelly confronts him about Jeff and insists she see for herself, boom, ID for Kelly...free of charge.

The gang, minus Kelly, make their way to the club, to catch Jeff in the act. Jessie gets jealous, we find out AC stands for absolutely charming, Zack is stood up, Lisa is a slut and lets Zack touch her boob...really, and Screech gets molested by a woman named Reggie. Kelly shows up eventually and sees Jeff with her own eyes. Yeah, and she's sorry she ever fell for a dishonest jerk like Jeff. Goodbye!

Kelly goes home and erases all the bad things she wrote about Zack in her diary. Because he dumped her for a creepy older guy...at the prom.

BEST QUOTE
Kelly: You maggot mouth liar, you're just jealous, Jeff would never cheat on me!

Zack: Kelly, I saw it with my own eyes!

Kelly: You're wrong! Last night Jeff was bowling with his roommates. Why don't you just mind your own business and stay out of my life

Harsh Kelly, hm I wonder how Jeff's roommates feel about his molesting young girls?

Lisa: Wait a minute... you have to be eighteen to get to the attic.

Screech: Not true! You could be fifty-four!

AWW MOMENT:
Mrs. Morris, the poor naive girl, walks into Zack's room and gives him a black and white poster of the super rad band Peter, Paul, and Mary while whistling "Puff the Magic Dragon". A great moment in acting.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
Oh so many...
1. How is Screech developing pictures in a brightly lit room. I don't know much about photography, but I know its called a dark room for a reason.

2. Your telling me these kids want Fake IDs to go dancing...dancing?

3. How is Jeff not a professional male model, did you see that picture Kelly took of him for class?

4. Why does this "club" have Doritos just sitting out on the tables...gross.

5. Why does Slater have baby pictures of Jessie in his wallet? That's just odd!

Slater's Damn Sexy White Water Rafting Outfit

Unsubg Hero: James (The Thesbian)

I recently saw an episode of SBTB that featured one of my favorite guest characters, James the waiter/out of work actor who works at the Max. James was actually a pretty good actor in retrospect, I found my self genuinely laughing on more than one occasion but, he really should have stayed away from the crazy antics of 16 year old kids.

James' job at the Max was incredibly convenient since he only showed up for work twice and thank the stars. In the two episodes in which he appears Zack is in need of a middle aged man with charisma...
1. Pretend to be Zack's Dad
2. Pretend to be a representative from Harrrvard.

Famous James Impersonations:
1.Derrick Morris (Zack's Dad, not to be confused with Derek Morehouse,wilderness man)
2.Mr. Belding
3.Stanley Alan Taylor (S.A.T.) with the worst fake beard ever. It falls off half way through the scene, Mark-Paul Gosselaar tries so hard not to laugh. It's hard for me to believe that was the best take they shot.
4.Harvard dickhead

Favorite James Quote:
"Bay dock, view, SIDE"!

Names James Calls Helen From Stansbury University:
1.Mrs Potbellyham
2.Mrs Billygoatcheesehamsandwiches

The Only Two Jobs James Got As An Actor:
1. The musical Cats in dog suits where he got bone thrown at him.
2. Julius Caesar, with or without anchovies.

PS: The actor who played James was born in 1950 making him 41 when he first appeared on SBTB, creeeeepy. Years later he also appeared on The New Class, again, he only lasted 2 episodes.

PSS: You may recognize James as Blinkin' from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. "Fix your boobs Blinkin'"!

The Time Capsule: The Worst Episode EVER!

This episode is by far the most unnecessary episode of Saved by the Bell and premiered December 5, 1992. It's been ten years since the gang graduated and a new gang, who are basically retarded clones of Zack, Slater, Screech, Lisa, and a horribly unattractive Jessie find a time capsule buried underneath the school's football field. Inside, they find an old VHS tape of five random students talking about really pointless things (aka old episodes of the show)SCORE!

There is literally nothing funny about this episode and is by far my least favorite, even as a kid I new it was ridiculous.

What The F*** Moment:
There is a moment on the tape where Jessie talks about her relationship with Slater and her crack (I mean caffeine pill) addiction. On the tape they have footage of her and Slater making out in her room as well as her "I'm SOOO excited" freak-out. If this was a school time capsule...
1. Where in the hell did they get that footage?!
2. Why in the world would Jessie want the future generation of Bayside Tiger's to know about her breakdown?! TMI Jessie, TMI.

Also, it's only been ten years and Mr. B has gray hair and mustache, does he age in dog years?

Rod Belding... Follow Your Dreams.

The Fabulous Belding Brothers

Today is very special episode that features the one and only appearance/mention of Rodney (the Rod) Belding. This episode premiered December 9, 1990 and in the alternate reality known as Bayside high, if the kids don't pass their midterms, they can't go on the class trip, bummer. Cue the over the top obnoxious teacher, the comedy gold otherwise known as Mr. Dickerson. The gang studies their butts off, for about five seconds, until they start experiencing group hallucinations and decide to just give up. "F,F,F, your both getting an F!"

The next day at school. Mr. Dickerson is a no show, (due to a swiftly mentioned mental breakdown) and after implementing the five minute rule, the kids are ready to leave. This is until the golden god known as Rod Belding appears in the door way. Pure sex.

Rod is totally radical and has zero respect for paper by allowing the whole class to rip up their tests and choose their own grades, the grade they think they deserve (sure Lisa, A+, whatever). Moments later, Mr. (Richard) Belding walks in and announces to the only six student who matter where the class trip will be, Yosemite Park, not noticing that none of the children are still taking the test and the shards of paper sprinkled across the floor.

Rod warns the class of Mr. B's horrible camping skills and suggests white water rafting instead, he even offers to guide them. Rod should have suggested they rob a liquor store and pocket the cash because everyone was on board before you could say mouth to mouth resuscitation.

The gang (aka Screech, the bitch) tells Mr. Belding that they'd rather go white water rafting with Rod than to Yosemite with him. Mr. Belding is obviously disappointed, in fact he is crushed and nothing makes the viewer feel for him more than that slow motion drop of the Yosemite Park brochure into the trash can. Ugh, so sad.

Rod insists the kids prepare for the trip by being shaken to death on a raft? And then he lets Zach, Kelly, Slater, and Jessie suck face in front of at least 20 other people? Weird.

It’s the night of the big trip and everyone is ready to go, the buses are ready, but Rod is no where to be found. That's because this flake is dumping thirty kids,(who could fit comfortably on one bus, but whatever) for a slut stewardess named Inga...wear a condom Rod. Zach over hears this and starts acting like a huge baby, until Mr. Belding offers to take them, even though he'll probably drown. Should of taken Rod's safety class Richie!

BEST QUOTE:
"Mr. Dickerson came into the teacher's lounge and started giving everyone F's, I knew he needed a vacation when he sent me to detention."

DUMBEST QUOTE:
Kelly, talking about white water rafting...
"It's exciting, like a spike in volleyball!" Huh? Good analogy Kel, your one line this episode was really important to the flow of the story.

SWITCH A ROO:
Starting with this episode, the lockers in hall have switched from red to orange.

A.C. SLATER, FASHION ICON:

While waiting for the bus to take them white water rafting Slater is wearing the most FABULOUS outfit EVER! Kahki short shorts and a light blue jean shirt unbuttoned down to the navel. The perfect outfit for the outdoor man, mmm.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT:
Simply Rod Belding as a character is pretty outrageous. How are no parents questioning this guy's ability to take their children on an incredibly dangerous class trip, let alone teach them anything.

Also, Mr. Belding quickly mentions that there are only 30 students going on the trip. Either that is the smallest class of kids ever or most of the class is “slow”.

And another thing, this episode premiered during the last leg of season two, making the gang sophmores, perhaps juniors. Who ever heard of a sophmore class trip?