Love Machine

In today's episode, titled Love Machine, the gang is given an assignment by science teacher/ Driver’s Ed expert Mr. Tuttle to come up with their own invention, easy enough, and present it in front of the class. Screech and Kelly are paired up and develop a Love Machine. The machine, when held by two people, shows how compatible they are. Remember this, it will come back to haunt you. Slater and Jessie are still hot and heavy after their Michael Bolton sex fest known as prom and Zack, we assume is again on the market after his life shattering break up with KK (DAMN YOU JEFF!!!!!!).

All loyal SBTB know that Salter's Dad is in the army and Slater traveled around a lot when he was a kid. Well, it looks like he made a stop in the land of Haselhoff, because before you can say strudel, A.C.'s ex from Berlin is at Bayside High and ready to pick up where things left off. She's pretty, way prettier than Jessie, so it is totally believable that both Zack and AC end up fighting for her affections, again. So anyway Slater loves Jessie, and then he loves Jen. Jessie asks Zack to date Jen, AC gets jealous. Zack and Jessie dress up like old farts in really elaborate costumes to spy. Just another day at Bayside.

WHAT THE F*CK MOMENT:

Other than the aforementioned senior citizen cross dressing. We find out that A.C.'s full name is the ever popular Albert-Clifford. Strange enough, this is so shameful that even his American girlfriend Jessie doesn't know this.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

When did Zack become a Catskills comedian? Zack does the old "Walk-this-way" gem by "walking-this-way" like Mr. Tuttle and then throws in a "She works hard, I hardly work" zinger for the hell of it. I used to like you Zack, but not anymore.

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST OBVIOUS NAME FOR A GERMAN MOVIE THEATRE GOES TO...

The Berlinaplex

BEST QUOTE:

Zack: "She's your sweet loving mama."

Slater: "Yeah, she is my mama, isn't she?

Hmmm?

Save The Max!

KKTY - Bayside!

Today, the gang discovers that there's a radio station in the basement of Bayside High. They report their findings to Mr. Belding and beg him to let them start it up again. He refuses and tells them that he was responsible for the radio station being shut down in the first place over 30 years ago. See Zack and Mr. Belding actually have a lot in common, you see, it is all makin' sense!

After seconds of kissing Dick's ass, KKTY is back on the air and the only kids who get a chance to participate are, you guessed it, the gang. Each person gets their designated assignment, though some a little more substantial than others, we're looking at you Kelly Desire, WTF?

So Zack is the head bitch in charge, Lisa does gossip, Jessie the news, Kelly does whatever it is that she does, Screech tells scary stories and Slater, naturally, wants to do sports. Slater has the radio personality of a wet mop, but his friends don't know how to tell him that he stinks (scroll down for one fine suggestion in the BEST QUOTE section) and then it is too late. The newspaper reviews are in and they are not good, so Slater quits... like a pussy.

While all of this is happening, things at the Max are falling apart. Our favorite Magician/Waiter/Restaurant Connoisseur/ Max is going under and the only people who can help him are five high school kids with a dream. Until he tries to feed them his dog or something like that.

Needless to say the gang bands together and holds a radio-thon to save the Max. Things get off to a great start, but then quickly go to shit. When they have just about giving up, Salter returns and is able to band everyone together at the last minute with one of the most heartfelt speech's of all time. You see Slater was just a lost little boy before he moved to California and found the Max, without the Max he is nothing, NOTHING! As for the radio station, well it was never heard from again.

WHAT THE F*CK MOMENT: So the school board owns the Max? Whyyyy?

BEST QUOTE: Nerd #1: (After hearing Slater on the air) Boy, that guy stinks. Nerd #2: Yeah, somebody should wave a skunk in front of him! Brillant!

AND THE GRAMMY GOES TO... Most of the music on SBTB is simply without words. Most notably A12, Zack and Kelly's song. On this episode we finally hear a song with lyrics and they do not disappoint, enjoy...
"I need your money/I need your love/I need you honey/When a push comes to shove/I need your mo-ney!" OH YEAH.

DID YOU NOTICE:
Mr. Belding agrees to bring back KKTY on the condition that he have the final say on what goes out on the air. That means he should’ve pulled the plug after Jessie went on and attacked the school board for threatening to close the Max. Even the valedictorian can't follow the rules at this crackpot school.

REALLY?:
You're telling me there's a Bayside newspaper and there was never an episode where the gang is in charge of the newspaper? Really? Really?

BLATANT SEXUAL INNUENDO ALERT
Screech: "98% of our listeners want it short, fast, and often."
Must be a lot of dudes listening to KKTY.

Watcha Thinking About Brett?

Blind Dates

Size matters to Jessie Spano.

Today we have a very special visitor walking the halls of Bayside High. Mr. Belding's niece Penny is in town and it is up to Mr. B to find his mutant spawn a date. It's every uncles duty.

Screech is free, but he's a freak, so Dick wants Zack to take her out, because he is so responsible. When Zack refuses, Mr. Belding takes it upon himself to blackmail a 16 year old boy and all is right with the world! Well not quite...

The night Zack has agreed to take out mutant Penny is also his girlfriend Kelly's radical birthday party and since she'd probably have a problem with him taking out another girl, he schemes and schemes in order to hide it from her. Zack eventually asks Screech to impersonate him and take Penny out.

Side note: Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't Kelly K like the nicest person in the freakin' world. I think she'd understand if Zack just told her the truth, right? Nope, guess not, any who...

While all of this is going on there is another story line involving Jessie, Lisa and a very small man. Lisa wants to set giant Jessie up with her cute neighbor because none of the boys at Bayside want to date a beast. Lucky for Jessie, boys from private schools love em'. She meets Brett and it's love at first awkward catholic school sight until he gets up to leave and (SHOCK)he's a completely average 5'7'', what's a behemoth to do? Jessie refuses to date Brett and has a weird game show fantasies that compare him to Freddy Kruger and Donald Trump, harsh.

And in the end everyone learns that it is not nice to judge people by how tall or short they are, but it's OK to judge them if they're a Belding, cause that's just gross.

BEST QUOTE:
Penny: "He's so hot he makes my teeth sweat."
She's talking about Samuel "Screech" Powers here people!

WHAT THE F*CK MOMENT:
I would bet my life that mutant Penny Belding is not the daughter of sweet Belding brother Rod, so this must mean that there is another Belding sibling out in the world! Oh god, a combination of Rod's awesome mullet and Dick's passion for teaching, I just got chills.

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST:
At the end of the episode Penny mentions that her uncle's house is empty and offers to take Screech back there to, you know...bone. Not only does this episode mark Screech's v card being terminated, but it was done so at Mr. Belding's house! They will be forever connected.

I LOVE THE 80S:
Jesse: [Lisa] also thinks that Arsenio Hall is where the Lakers Play.
Lisa is short too, so this makes sense, Jessie discriminates against the "vertically challenged". Bitch.

A Mango Tonic with a Kiwi Twist

Mystery Weekend

This week we step outside the halls of Bayside and into the dangerous world of dinner theatre. Resident fashionista Lisa won a weekend for six (naturally) to a Murder Mystery Weekend from her local radio station, even though I think her job at KKPI Tiger Radio would conflict with that, but I digress. So the law doens't exsist in this parallel universa and unsupervised teens are allowed to participate in this the show and the kids are very, very excited to see a dead body.

There is a geriatric old couple, hot maid, sexy piano player, a guy with a lump in his back and a very non-heterosexual host. As the weekend progresses more people die, secret passage ways are discovered, a stable boy is accused of murder and we get a lesson in the deadly nature of second hand smoke.

So suspect everyone and be careful, you might be the next to die...or end up in drag.

Best Quote:
Screech: "So the dog lied."
Everyone knows, dogs can't be trusted.

What the F*ck Moment:
Lisa orders a Mango Tonic with a Kiwi Twists because it matches her outfit. You shouldn't have a problem picturing her outfit in your head.

Also, the idea that Mr. Jameson can convince these people that the game stopped and that some of these things actually happened.

Also, Zack's friends immediately believe he killed Lisa for $500 and a necklace.

This whole episode was basically a crazy. I mean how gullible can these people be? I guess enough to go to dinner theatre for a whole weekend!

Statutory Rape Moment of the Year:
Victor the piano player (to Jessie): "For you my beauty, I'll play the Minute Waltz in thirty seconds." Now take off your bra.

When Did That Happen:
Um, Zack tied Screech to railroad tracks? Really?

Miss Bayside

Swimsuit! Swimsuit! Swimsuit! Miss Bayside is the most coveted title in Southern California and everyone, I mean everyone, wants the crown. Friends turn against friends, lovers turn against lovers, and robots...pull colored cloth out of their mouths. This episode is so unrealistic it almost unbearable. How can a public school afford these kinds of extra curricular antics, how can best friends turn against each other so quickly, and finally how is Mr. Belding allowing this to happen, get a hold of your school Dick!

As the competition progresses, we learn that every one in the gang has a hidden talent and that Screech is pretty lovable when he steps out if Zack's butthole and into the wonderful world of magic. Jessie dances, Kelly sings (horribly), and Lisa plays the violin (secret talent alert!). And then before you can say equality, Slater decides to enter the competition. Against his looks, dimples, and personality Screech will never win the women's beauty pageant.

Screech and Zack try to figure out a way to knock Slater out of the contest, Screech's robot Kevin become so enthralled with it all that he punches Screech in the face, BINGO. Zack blames it all on Slater and Screech becomes the domestic violence victim we all knew he could be!

At the pageant Slater wears a swimsuit with socks, Jessie looks like the statue of liberty, and Screech (aka The Great Screechini) gets a huge standing ovation. He eventually wins the crown and is serenaded by the most beautifully song Mr. B has ever sung. Screech eventually lost in the semi-finals of the Ms. Universe pageant, but he's still number one in our hearts!

Best Quote
Jessie: "A beauty pageant, what a stupid, sexiest waste of time!"

Slater: "Not if you're in a tini-bikini Mama!" ( C'Mon Slater sexism is so 1994)

What the Fuck Moment!
Zack claims to have every beauty pageant on tape from Miss Universe to Miss Omaha. Really, Zack are you sure you don't want to Miss Bayside?

I can't believe Screech's father would every allow this...wait where is Screech's father? Maybe its that statue of Elvis his mom is so gaga about.

Top 5 best talents in a beauty pageant
5. Feminist Speech
4. Robot Magic
3. Fake Violin Mime
2. Flaming Batons
1. Horrible "Bird-Like" Singing

There's No Hope With Dope

Tonight's very special episode is one the whole family should watch together. In this episode, which aired November 30, 1991, Bayside has been selected to be the location for an anti-drug commercial. The ad will feature some "real" kids from the school (guess who) alongside A-list actor Johnny Dakota. Right away everyone is smiting with Johnny, especially Kelly, who forms a non-sexual bond with him, (come on Saved by the Bell mix it up, can't anyone ever been interested in Lisa?). Johnny also bonds with Zack by giving him his weird purple jacket, because he's Johnny Dakota, he must have a hundred of those jackets.

Johnny hosts pow-wows where the gang (and some random biker chick who really puts a bummer on the day, see below) talk about their non existent drug experiences. Everything is going well until the (underage) kids get invited to one of Johnny's sleazy industry parties where he smokes pot and then pressures Kelly to do the same. Also, in the alternate universe known as Hollywood, Screech is Johnny's stunt double and no one likes Slater.

The next day Johnny shows up as if nothing had happened, but Zack, who been sucking Johnny's dick every since he walked through the front doors, isn't having it. He throws Johnny's jacket back in his face and gets everyone to stand up to him and dirty pot mouth. So, Johnny quits, he doesn't need this school!

The kids explain what happen to Mr. B, who immediately trusts them, and calls in a favor. Oh yeah, his best bud just so happens to own mother-fucking NBC! So they get to do the commercial and everyone is happy :) Except for that heavy metal chick whose brother in still in a wheelchair, but whatever.

Best Quote:
Zack: "In one word, would I do dope...nope."
Uh, I just got chills.

What The F*** Moment:
Rhonda: "You wanna know what's dumb? My brother used drugs to get high and drive to the beach. Now I have to drive him. He's in a wheelchair."

Whoa. That is intense.

I Love The 90s:
These are the actors Lisa and Jessie boned at the party...
Stone Sutherland = Keifer Sutherland
Luke Diamond = Lou Diamond Phillips

Did You Notice?:
Ox, the lovable jock, appears in this episode as a heavy metal biker dude named Scud who smokes pot in the bathroom. He never appears as this character again, but appears in several more episodes as Ox.

Screech's Birthday

An absolute gem, this episode premiered on November 14, 1992 during season 4. It was originally shot to air during season 1, but because no one would notice the miraculous age difference, they pushed it back three years.

The gang has forgotten Screech's birthday and can't stand to see him horribly depressed and about to kill himself so they plan a post birthday bash. So where do they decide to hold this little get together? Mr. Belding's office of course! Not the Max which they have no problem leaving school to go to.

The only way to pull this off is to de-throne the evil hall monitor Neil. This kid take his jobs super seriously and is not to be messed with. So, in order to kill two birds with one nerd the gang finds a way to make Screech hall-monitor, getting rid of Neil and making Screech's party possible.

With Screech as hall monitor the gang thinks they can walk the halls freely, but little do they know, Screech takes his new responsibility seriously, hell its not like he has to go to class anymore. Screech holds a grudge and gets off on his power, even at one point imagining himself as a teenage robocop..with a laser.

The kids get Belding out of his office with a lame "help me Mr. B I'm lost at the mall" gimmick, but still have to get past Screech. Each of them gets sent to detention and are running out of time for the party. By the time Screech realizes all of this hall monitor nominating stuff was for a party, he forgives them, only leaving time for a minute long celebration in Mr. B's office. Pictures are flipped, shades a turned, balloons come out of file cabinets...its beautiful.

Best Quote:
Zack: "You can tell me, what do you really think of me?"
Hall Monitor Neil: "You're a creep"
Honesty is the best policy, remember that kids!

What The F*** Moment:
1. Screech has a fully functional robot, who they let come to school?
2. Mr. Dewey does Tai Kwon Do?

Unsung Hero: Kevin the Robot

Ten Reasons Why I Love Kevin, Screech's Robot:

10. He drinks Root Beer
9. He's good at magic
8. He monitors the halls
7. He's witty
6. He can sneeze
5. He needs glasses
4. He can burp
3. He's got a mean left hook...just ask Screech
2. He never forgets Screech's birthday

...and number one...
1. He's a fucking talking ROBOT!

The Friendship Buisness

In this episode which premiered November 4, 1989 we find the crew in some sort of "learn how to start a business" class that is, of course, an essential part of their high school core curriculum. Each group of students gets $100 (of tax payer money) to start a business with an original idea. The gang draws a blank on what to sell until the extra curricular machine known as Lisa Turtle gives everyone Friendship Bracelets that she made in, you guessed it, the Fashion Club. Zack decides the bracelets are his ticket to GLORY, and they begin to sell like, you guessed it, colored yarn?

Zack quickly become obsessed with the mediocre success of the Friendship Bracelet industry and starts forcing Lisa and imaginary friends in the Fashion Club into slavery. But what's worse than that is he has the nerve to appoint himself president...so everyone quits, expect for Screech...Zack's bitch and Lisa.

Slater, Kelly, and Jessie branch out on their own and come up with an understated and original idea...Buddy Bands, aka Friendship Bracelets for you forehead. This leads to a spectacular home made video featuring some Academy Award winning acting from AC. Eventually, Lisa and Screech realize Zack is using them and also quit, leaving Zack up shit creek without a Buddy...Band.

In a last ditch effort to fuck over every friend he's ever had, Zack gives a new hip Buddy Band to Mr. Belding, students see this, and ask for refunds. Because everyone knows, Mr. Belding was the only thing uncool about Buddy Bands. Jessie should have known better than to make any kind of refund an option if you ask me, but eh.

At this point, both teams products are a bust, aka, a failing grade. No one wants Jessie to have a brain aneurysm, so they join forces and produce Love Cuffs, two Friendship Bracelets connected by a Buddy Band. Mr. Tuttle sees how hard everyone worked to discover the true meaning of friendship (slavery, dictatorship, abandonment) and gives everyone an A. Phew, that was a close one.

Eww, Think About It:
Slater: "We tried to beat Zack, but we ended up beating ourselves."

Best Quote:
Slater: "I wouldn't beg you to spit if my eyebrows were on fire."
and
Max: "How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?" Mmm, delicious.

Hmmm, I Wonder...:
When Slater, Kelly, and Jessie leave to form Buddy Bands, Lisa,(and I'm guessing the rest of the Fashion Club) is still with Zack making Friendship Bracelets. So who made all those Buddy Bands? Hmmm, I wonder.

What The Hell Is Going On Here?

The strangest picture ever.

Rockumentary

The Beatles were once quoted saying that no other band influenced their careers more than The Zack Attack. True story. In this classic episode we find the gang, (minus Jessie who I guess wasn't any one's friend forever), practicing as their band The Zack Attack. We follow them through their tumultuous career, their huge success, and inevitable demise. Casey Kasem narrates a sort of Behind the Music before Behind the Music breakdown of the group's career. I don't know why Casey Kasem was in two episodes of Saved by the Bell during his career nor do I care, I picture his voice would greet me in hell, but I digress.

One fateful day, a record exec named Brian Fate (Oh Saved by the Bell you slay me!)is jogging, in an awesome jogging suit, and hears the band and decides he must have them. They play small, dimly lit coffee shops, get their record played on the radio, and boom their playing Madison Square Garden, naturally rifts develop.

Mindy, a publicist, is hired to be the ice cold face of the band, and seduces 16 year old Zack. She eventually turns Zack against his friends, writes wretched songs, forces the band to play them, and then laughs when they want to write a song. She's a white Yoko Ono, because if Mindy was Asian, that would be too obvious.

The band eventually calls is quits and Zack goes solo turning into a weird morph Madonna/Elton John/Cher/ Super Gay combination. Lisa is an American Gladiator, Kelly's a nun who will die a virgin, Screech a nerdy Buddha, and Slater a shitty race car driver who crashes and forces them all back together because, as we all know, bands may come and go, but friends are forever.

The last shot of the episode is a cut to Zack asleep and we find out it was all a dream...or was it.

WHAT THE F*** MOMENT: The whole episode really, but the fact that Zack can have such a vivid dream while taking a nap on top of a crate is crazy.

DID YOU NOTICE?: The room where the Grammy after party is taking place was Johnny Dakota's hotel room in the episode There's No Hope With Dope.

TOP FIVE ZACK ATTACK SONGS:
1. How Am I Suppose To Live Without You (Ah, nothing like that Michael Bolton. The man truly has a beautiful voice.)
2. Friends Forever
3. Did We Ever Have A Chance
4. Kelly, Slater, and Screech's Song About School
5. Make My Day (They play this song in the episode The Last Dance, its so bad its good, and Zack tells Kelly he wrote it for her, which is odd.)

PS: How did the get Don Henley to dub over Zack's awesome lip syncing skills?