Love Machine

In today's episode, titled Love Machine, the gang is given an assignment by science teacher/ Driver’s Ed expert Mr. Tuttle to come up with their own invention, easy enough, and present it in front of the class. Screech and Kelly are paired up and develop a Love Machine. The machine, when held by two people, shows how compatible they are. Remember this, it will come back to haunt you. Slater and Jessie are still hot and heavy after their Michael Bolton sex fest known as prom and Zack, we assume is again on the market after his life shattering break up with KK (DAMN YOU JEFF!!!!!!).

All loyal SBTB know that Salter's Dad is in the army and Slater traveled around a lot when he was a kid. Well, it looks like he made a stop in the land of Haselhoff, because before you can say strudel, A.C.'s ex from Berlin is at Bayside High and ready to pick up where things left off. She's pretty, way prettier than Jessie, so it is totally believable that both Zack and AC end up fighting for her affections, again. So anyway Slater loves Jessie, and then he loves Jen. Jessie asks Zack to date Jen, AC gets jealous. Zack and Jessie dress up like old farts in really elaborate costumes to spy. Just another day at Bayside.

WHAT THE F*CK MOMENT:

Other than the aforementioned senior citizen cross dressing. We find out that A.C.'s full name is the ever popular Albert-Clifford. Strange enough, this is so shameful that even his American girlfriend Jessie doesn't know this.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

When did Zack become a Catskills comedian? Zack does the old "Walk-this-way" gem by "walking-this-way" like Mr. Tuttle and then throws in a "She works hard, I hardly work" zinger for the hell of it. I used to like you Zack, but not anymore.

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST OBVIOUS NAME FOR A GERMAN MOVIE THEATRE GOES TO...

The Berlinaplex

BEST QUOTE:

Zack: "She's your sweet loving mama."

Slater: "Yeah, she is my mama, isn't she?

Hmmm?

Save The Max!

KKTY - Bayside!

Today, the gang discovers that there's a radio station in the basement of Bayside High. They report their findings to Mr. Belding and beg him to let them start it up again. He refuses and tells them that he was responsible for the radio station being shut down in the first place over 30 years ago. See Zack and Mr. Belding actually have a lot in common, you see, it is all makin' sense!

After seconds of kissing Dick's ass, KKTY is back on the air and the only kids who get a chance to participate are, you guessed it, the gang. Each person gets their designated assignment, though some a little more substantial than others, we're looking at you Kelly Desire, WTF?

So Zack is the head bitch in charge, Lisa does gossip, Jessie the news, Kelly does whatever it is that she does, Screech tells scary stories and Slater, naturally, wants to do sports. Slater has the radio personality of a wet mop, but his friends don't know how to tell him that he stinks (scroll down for one fine suggestion in the BEST QUOTE section) and then it is too late. The newspaper reviews are in and they are not good, so Slater quits... like a pussy.

While all of this is happening, things at the Max are falling apart. Our favorite Magician/Waiter/Restaurant Connoisseur/ Max is going under and the only people who can help him are five high school kids with a dream. Until he tries to feed them his dog or something like that.

Needless to say the gang bands together and holds a radio-thon to save the Max. Things get off to a great start, but then quickly go to shit. When they have just about giving up, Salter returns and is able to band everyone together at the last minute with one of the most heartfelt speech's of all time. You see Slater was just a lost little boy before he moved to California and found the Max, without the Max he is nothing, NOTHING! As for the radio station, well it was never heard from again.

WHAT THE F*CK MOMENT: So the school board owns the Max? Whyyyy?

BEST QUOTE: Nerd #1: (After hearing Slater on the air) Boy, that guy stinks. Nerd #2: Yeah, somebody should wave a skunk in front of him! Brillant!

AND THE GRAMMY GOES TO... Most of the music on SBTB is simply without words. Most notably A12, Zack and Kelly's song. On this episode we finally hear a song with lyrics and they do not disappoint, enjoy...
"I need your money/I need your love/I need you honey/When a push comes to shove/I need your mo-ney!" OH YEAH.

DID YOU NOTICE:
Mr. Belding agrees to bring back KKTY on the condition that he have the final say on what goes out on the air. That means he should’ve pulled the plug after Jessie went on and attacked the school board for threatening to close the Max. Even the valedictorian can't follow the rules at this crackpot school.

REALLY?:
You're telling me there's a Bayside newspaper and there was never an episode where the gang is in charge of the newspaper? Really? Really?

BLATANT SEXUAL INNUENDO ALERT
Screech: "98% of our listeners want it short, fast, and often."
Must be a lot of dudes listening to KKTY.

Watcha Thinking About Brett?

Blind Dates

Size matters to Jessie Spano.

Today we have a very special visitor walking the halls of Bayside High. Mr. Belding's niece Penny is in town and it is up to Mr. B to find his mutant spawn a date. It's every uncles duty.

Screech is free, but he's a freak, so Dick wants Zack to take her out, because he is so responsible. When Zack refuses, Mr. Belding takes it upon himself to blackmail a 16 year old boy and all is right with the world! Well not quite...

The night Zack has agreed to take out mutant Penny is also his girlfriend Kelly's radical birthday party and since she'd probably have a problem with him taking out another girl, he schemes and schemes in order to hide it from her. Zack eventually asks Screech to impersonate him and take Penny out.

Side note: Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't Kelly K like the nicest person in the freakin' world. I think she'd understand if Zack just told her the truth, right? Nope, guess not, any who...

While all of this is going on there is another story line involving Jessie, Lisa and a very small man. Lisa wants to set giant Jessie up with her cute neighbor because none of the boys at Bayside want to date a beast. Lucky for Jessie, boys from private schools love em'. She meets Brett and it's love at first awkward catholic school sight until he gets up to leave and (SHOCK)he's a completely average 5'7'', what's a behemoth to do? Jessie refuses to date Brett and has a weird game show fantasies that compare him to Freddy Kruger and Donald Trump, harsh.

And in the end everyone learns that it is not nice to judge people by how tall or short they are, but it's OK to judge them if they're a Belding, cause that's just gross.

BEST QUOTE:
Penny: "He's so hot he makes my teeth sweat."
She's talking about Samuel "Screech" Powers here people!

WHAT THE F*CK MOMENT:
I would bet my life that mutant Penny Belding is not the daughter of sweet Belding brother Rod, so this must mean that there is another Belding sibling out in the world! Oh god, a combination of Rod's awesome mullet and Dick's passion for teaching, I just got chills.

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST:
At the end of the episode Penny mentions that her uncle's house is empty and offers to take Screech back there to, you know...bone. Not only does this episode mark Screech's v card being terminated, but it was done so at Mr. Belding's house! They will be forever connected.

I LOVE THE 80S:
Jesse: [Lisa] also thinks that Arsenio Hall is where the Lakers Play.
Lisa is short too, so this makes sense, Jessie discriminates against the "vertically challenged". Bitch.

A Mango Tonic with a Kiwi Twist

Mystery Weekend

This week we step outside the halls of Bayside and into the dangerous world of dinner theatre. Resident fashionista Lisa won a weekend for six (naturally) to a Murder Mystery Weekend from her local radio station, even though I think her job at KKPI Tiger Radio would conflict with that, but I digress. So the law doens't exsist in this parallel universa and unsupervised teens are allowed to participate in this the show and the kids are very, very excited to see a dead body.

There is a geriatric old couple, hot maid, sexy piano player, a guy with a lump in his back and a very non-heterosexual host. As the weekend progresses more people die, secret passage ways are discovered, a stable boy is accused of murder and we get a lesson in the deadly nature of second hand smoke.

So suspect everyone and be careful, you might be the next to die...or end up in drag.

Best Quote:
Screech: "So the dog lied."
Everyone knows, dogs can't be trusted.

What the F*ck Moment:
Lisa orders a Mango Tonic with a Kiwi Twists because it matches her outfit. You shouldn't have a problem picturing her outfit in your head.

Also, the idea that Mr. Jameson can convince these people that the game stopped and that some of these things actually happened.

Also, Zack's friends immediately believe he killed Lisa for $500 and a necklace.

This whole episode was basically a crazy. I mean how gullible can these people be? I guess enough to go to dinner theatre for a whole weekend!

Statutory Rape Moment of the Year:
Victor the piano player (to Jessie): "For you my beauty, I'll play the Minute Waltz in thirty seconds." Now take off your bra.

When Did That Happen:
Um, Zack tied Screech to railroad tracks? Really?